Beyond the surface with...Ellie Sutton

More than just 'spicy audios': Ellie talks all things sexual empowerment, intimacy, and breaking stigmas...with a lot of brilliant advice to boot!

Ellie is a dark romance author and the partner of the prominent spicy voice actor 'LoneyFans.' Above all, what really shines through is that she’s a true girls' girl. So when we sat down to chat a few days ago, it felt like catching up with a bestie. She was kind enough to share fascinating insights into what it’s like sharing 'overheards' online (real audios of her and her partner having sex) and came armed with a wealth of advice to help women embrace their sexuality.

So Ellie, you’re incredibly open about sex and sexuality, which is something a lot of women struggle with, has this always been the case for you?
I’ve always been a very sexual person. As far as been super open to talking about it, having healthy discussions and being a safe space for people to ask questions, that started after a lot of counselling.

Ellie went on to share that she is, in her words ‘twice over a part of the Me Too movement’…
The counselling, psychiatry, and rebuilding everything that I went through helped take a lot of the stigma away and allowed me to say, 'It’s okay to enjoy sex.' It’s something I’m now passionate about, and actually, I’m hoping to get a foundation off the ground for women and men who have lived through that.

There are a lot of great mental health resources out there to help you live through something like that (sexual assault), but nobody can really teach you how to have a healthy relationship with sex again.

And to further add to that, I would say sexual discussion is generally demonised, so I can only imagine how hard it is after living through something like this.
Exactly and that’s where psychiatry falls short, they can teach you to deal with the trauma, but not how to be a whole person again.
Through a lot research and work on myself, it turned into something I want more women, men and survivors to have access to and to be able to have an open, healthy discussions around sex.

I find as a society we’re more accepting of mental health issues, which is great, but not when it comes to sex! It’s still seen as something that shouldn’t be discussed and people can get very ‘hush hush’ about it. We’re really not making the progress we should be with healthy sexual discussions…
Especially with women and mothers! It’s perfectly acceptable for men to be sexual and vocal about it but it’s still a fairly modern thing for women to be able to meet them at that level. So I go out of my way to be unapologetic about that!

I love that, because there is still so much stigma attached to not just women in the adult entertainment industry, but women who are outspoken and vocal about sex in general.
Oh exactly! A lot of women have internalised shame which is I think where the stigma comes from. It’s often a reflection on them instead…

I wonder do you face any misconceptions about who you are because of the content you create?
Absolutely, I do! The only real public social media platform I use where I carry myself honestly and speak about that is Threads.
Someone will stumble across my profile and say things like ‘you guys really talk about this in public?’ I keep an album on my phone with marketing campaigns geared towards men in the last 50 years and reply with, ‘yeah we do and so do you, have a good day’.

That is such a good mic drop moment!
The one thing I see more than anything that bothers me when it comes to the work I do, either with my books or with Quinn, is people saying, 'Oh, she’s just performative, she’s not really like that.' And it’s because they haven’t yet allowed themselves to be comfortable and freely explore their sexuality.

Talking of Quinn, I came across it via TikTok—it was a clip of ‘Naudio.’ and I’m actually a bit embarrassed to say this out loud, but I thought it was for men! My head instantly went to, 'Well, this is audio porn, so clearly it’s for men...’
Haha right, openly discussing sex on a public platform, this can’t be for me…

Obviously I soon realised that it was in fact for women, and that’s one of the reasons Quinn is so great. They centre women and house all this brilliant content, it must feel really special to be a part of that?
Oh it does, I really love it.

And you’ve actually started sharing some of your own audios on Patreon which is really exciting!
Yeah! The audios have had a really great response which I’m really happy with. Then I still get to work with Quinn through writing scripts, which is like a mini vacation from writing and editing my books so it’s a great chance to be creative in a different way and then of course the overheards! They’re hardly work, because they’re a lot of fun, but it’s so great to be able to contribute to Quinn that way.

Talking of your overheards, they’re so much more than just 'spicy audios'—they offer a beautiful insight into two people who truly understand each other and communicate so well during sex. Something many people struggle with. Do you have any advice on how to be more open and communicative during sex?
Oh absolutely, I was recently talking to someone who shared that the overheards have given her much clearer insight into what she wants from sex but she still gets nervous that if she says something it might come out funny and ruin the mood…
But y’know, sex is awkward and funny and silly and there’s room for mistakes, noises and tripping over your words, thats what makes it real! Half the comments on the overheards are not about anything sexual, they’re about the laughter.

If your biggest hang up is ‘i wanna ask him to do this but i’m gonna sound so stupid’ just sound stupid and do it scared. Let it happen and stop hiding yourself.

YES! I completely agree with you, I think people often think they have to be this ‘sultry sexy’ person and sometimes it’s fun to be that person but 99% of the time it isn’t who we are. We have to be okay with just being ourselves during sex.
Right! I think women and men have a mental image in their heads of what a ‘woman ready for sex’ looks like. Y’know with their hair and make up done, in lingerie, and sure that’s how it goes sometimes but sometimes it’s just you in a t shirt and one of your slippers has fallen off and that’s what we’re going with!
I think there’s a lot of pressure from our generation and it comes from the influx of widely available visual porn. Unfortunately that’s where a lot of women and men our age learn what we think intimacy is supposed to look like. Please let go of thinking you need to be anybody’s porn star!

You are absolutely spot on! It’s cliche but ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ right? Porn aside, we see beautiful women on instagram or influencers who seem to have perfect life. It’s hard to not start comparing yourself which can really impact how we feel about ourselves and, in turn, affect the physical aspect of a relationship.
What helps you stay confident, even when you're not feeling 100%?
Something I preach about often is to truly enjoy partnered sex you have to be comfortable with who you are first. And that is hard work. I don’t give that advice lightly but until you come to terms with who you are there will be no such thing as relaxed, engaging, comfortable, successful physical intimacy.

Of course you’ll feel a little more inclined to be more physically intimate when you feel like you look good or the setting is right…but anyone who works for a living or they have a child for example, it’s just not realistic. If you’re always waiting for the perfect moment it will never happen.

Sometimes it’s lingerie and candles and it’s lovely, other times it’s ‘we have 5 minuets and the bathroom counter’ and y’know that’s real life! One of the most rewarding things in life is getting to where the situation can be imperfect but you can still be intimate with each other.

That's great advice. Timing is tricky, especially with a child. It’s easy to feel too exhausted or like there’s no time, but who says sex has to be a long session? It can be whatever works for you. Kids are wonderful, but they do change the dynamic, and you have to find your new normal.
Right, I mean, I'm not a parent, but I have many friends who have kids, and I’ve spoken to so many different sexual health educators. Really, the message to parents is the same as to any two people who want to be intimate: you have to be two whole individuals first. You can’t just be 'mum' and 'dad.' You still have a marriage, love, and intimacy—you just happen to be parents.

Even though you're not a parent, you’ve really hit the nail on the head. After my son was born, my husband and I didn’t have sex for about 6 months. When we finally did, it wasn’t great because I was so focused on making it perfect and enjoying it, rather than just enjoying it. Looking back, we hadn’t worked on intimacy enough because we were too focused on being 'mum' and 'dad.' I don’t think I had fully accepted our new normal.
I have so much respect for you because honestly, it’s just a whole arena I will never truly understand so I take my hat off to mothers.

Now obviously you and Xander have a strong physical relationship and thats great but it’s equally important to strike the balance and have a healthy dynamic across the board. I wonder how you guys strike that balance? I imagine there’s a perception that you’re just at it all the time and you’re never out the bedroom…
We both work from home and our careers are sexual in nature so I would venture to say we probably do have a lot more sex than the average couple but really for us the thing that makes us so strong is the ability to read each other and communicate. That does not stop outside the bedroom.
Self awareness is so important, sometimes we unknowingly demand certain things from our parter whether it’s time and attention or mental and emotional labour. The mutual respect we have for each other is where the really beautiful parts of our relationship come from.
You really do have to take a moral inventory and think ‘how many times in a day am I thinking about how the noise I’m making or how many things I’m leaving around the house’. Those little things are the things that can slowly add up and take away from you being a strong couple.

Oh, this is so true. I often say to my husband, 'I don’t want to get 30 years down the line and have you turn to me with a list of reasons why you want a divorce.' I’d much rather know those reasons up front, and vice versa—I’d rather tell him my issues so I don’t bottle them up!
Oh my goodness, totally! I’ve told so many friends that it’s the honest-to-god truth: 80% of divorces aren’t caused by some big cataclysmic event, like cheating—they’re death by a thousand cuts. Those small microaggressions of disrespect killed my first marriage. If you don’t address them and are unwilling to be uncomfortable for just 5 seconds, you’re going to be incredibly uncomfortable five or ten years down the line. Nobody expects a partner to be perfect, but you make a fool of yourself if you’re not willing to say, 'Hey, you made me feel this way, and it feels like you don’t see me or respect me. That needs to stop.'

I think women struggle with this as it’s seen as ‘nagging’, there’s so much sexism tied up in that. I can understand why women feel they have to hold back from those conversations.
I’m really big on saying the hard things out loud—that’s just my personality. I’m not one of those people who says, 'I’m just honest and blunt,' and then acts like a bitch! I’m honest when I know it’s going to help somebody. There are two outcomes when you tell your partner that something they’re doing is making you feel less than. One, they’ll apologise and work to change it. It probably won’t happen overnight, but you’ll see the effort. Or two, they’ll act immature and childish, and at that point, you know what? You get the hell outta there.

Absolutely, I think people want the ‘perfect’ relationship and they don’t want those difficult conversations but that’s not real life. We have to be okay at holding both our parters and ourselves accountable. It’s okay to hold our hands up and admit that actually a few days ago I was PMT and hormonal and a bit of a bitch…
And the real beauty is that when you take accountability, it makes it easier for your partner! You have to operate on the assumption that, most of the time, nobody is intentionally being a problem. It’s the little things you don’t realise you’re doing that can show your partner you’ve overlooked what makes them comfortable. I believe that, in most cases, you’re not going to be with someone who takes joy in doing things you don’t like. So give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they don’t realise it’s bothering you!
This is gonna sound really corporate of me but instead of looking at it like a problem look at it like an opportunity.

No that’s so true! If you’re trying to have a discussion over something and you go in with a negative mindset you’re just gonna argue and you won’t take accountability!
Yes! Y’know the saying ‘never go to bed on an argument’ it drives me crazy! Because for me if I’m angry, the worst thing I can do is force myself to talk about it. I am so confrontational! I’ve learned from my long 37 years of life that it is not constructive or healthy. Sometimes I do need to go to bed angry!
I think a lot of the time when partners fight, you’re not going into it to solve it, a lot of people go in to drop your opinion and be right! If your focus is being the one who wins instead of fixing the issue you already fucked it up.

Really brilliant advice! Now, back to your overheards—communication aside—you also do a great job of showing how 'normal people' can enjoy certain kinks. I think a lot of people assume that kink is for a certain type of person...
Oh, absolutely. The thing with kink is, it’s like eating a salad with no dressing. You have your standard penetrative sex, but you know—what do you like? Your kink is your personality; it’s the colours that make you who you are!

If you're lucky, you'll have a partner who will explore kink with you, but Quinn itself is a wonderful resource. While we don’t really plan the overheards and never want to 'perform,' we do like to bring in different elements, like playing with toys or a paddle, for example. It’s been an interesting balance, wanting to bring more kink into the audios while remaining authentic.

Yes I love that! I’ve been introduced to many different kinks through Quinn and it’s so great having this safe space to do so. Plus y’know there’s no visuals there to distract you can just really focus on the audio and work out if it’s for you or not…
And for me, kink is just such a healthy outlet. If you’re with a partner you can trust who is willing to go to some of those depths with you, it’s a beautiful thing to explore.

I wonder if you ever worry about the content you’re putting out there? It’s something I have in the back of my head with some of the content I share…
At this point, I feel no shame! I absolutely used to feel that shame and fear. I think the best thing you can do is take those feelings of ‘what happens if…’ and instead educate the people around you and let them know there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to being a women who is vocal about sex!

Despite Ellie sharing so much brilliant advice throughout this interview, she was kind enough to provide a few practical resources if you’re looking for help and support regarding all things sexual wellness…

Hanx Official - A Sexual Wellness Blog
Rainn - Confidential 24/7 sexual assault resources hotline
@Kama.lab - An IG account that debunks sexual myths whilst making kink and sexual health accessible and easier to understand!
iPassion and Spicer - apps for couples designed to ease into spicer and kinkier sex

Ellie & Xanders overheards can be be found here
Their patreon can be found here

Until next time,